Summer is here, and that means one thing: it is time to stand over something hot and make questionable decisions about 80/20 ground chuck.
Today, we settle a backyard burger debate that has been looming since Ohio-born Guy Fieri started visiting Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. The smash burger versus the pub burger — two philosophies, two very different outcomes, and honestly, the winner depends on the amount of meat you are comfortable consuming.
The Smash Burger: Speed, Science and Crust
The smash burger is pure physics. Take a loose 2-3 ounce ball of 80/20 ground beef, drop it on a screaming hot Blackstone griddle or flat top accessory, and smash it flat within the first 30 seconds. That is the Maillard reaction — the chemical process that creates the brown, crispy crust on meat when it hits high heat. One smash, one crust, done in three minutes.
Toppings: Kraft Deli Deluxe American cheese, Vlasic dill pickle chips, diced white onion cooked into the patty, a soft potato roll toasted in butter. Sauce is Duke's mayo, yellow mustard, Hunt's ketchup — thicker than Heinz, and yes, it matters — and a splash of pickle juice.
Before we go any further, a word on Velveeta: the FDA classifies it as a "pasteurized prepared cheese product" — the food labeling equivalent of calling a hot dog a "tube-shaped meat experience." It is not cheese. It is what cheese becomes when it makes bad decisions. Use the Kraft Deli Deluxe. You deserve real cheese.
The Pub Burger: Patience, Smoke, and Payoff
The pub burger goes back centuries. British and Irish pubs built their menus around thick, hand-formed beef patties — hearty, no-nonsense food for people who work with their hands. When British immigrants arrived in America in the early 20th century, the pub burger came with them, landing in Midwest taverns long before "craft burger" was a thing.
It requires commitment — and ideally, two grills.
Form a 7-8 ounce patty — yes, a half-pound — season with kosher salt, cracked pepper, and Lea and Perrins Worcestershire, then smoke it on a Traeger or Pit Boss at 200 degrees for 30 minutes. Low and slow means you are building flavor before the fire ever touches it. Then finish it with a hard two-minute sear per side on your Blackstone flat top or flat top accessory. The crust on a pre-smoked patty is something a regular grill cannot produce.
Top it with Boar's Head sharp cheddar, caramelized onions in butter, Hormel Black Label bacon, butter lettuce, sliced tomatoes, and Duke's garlic aioli. Brioche bun. Toasted hard.
The Verdict
The smash burger wins on speed and social media. The pub burger wins the cookout — the one people talk about the following Tuesday.
The Sides
Ore-Ida Golden Crinkles for the smash, thick-cut Lawry's pub fries for the pub. Grillo's pickle spear either way.
The Cost
The smash burger runs $3.50 to $4.50 per burger — about 30 cents a bite. The pub burger runs $6 to $9, but at a half-pound, it is still 30 to 40 cents per bite and far cheaper than the $16 restaurant version that comes with someone else's opinion about toppings.
Two grills sounds excessive until you do the math — a $600 pellet grill and a $400 Blackstone divided by a lifetime of burgers that make grown men emotional works out to about three cents per moment of joy. Buy the grills.
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